Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize