My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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