I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
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You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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