Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
