i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
