So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
love makes seman taste better
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
i now understand why vodka
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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