he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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