I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
