I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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