I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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