If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
