I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
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His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
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she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it