at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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