I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
