Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
