i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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