you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
