I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
