The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Randomize
