are you still at the devil's house?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
