Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
