I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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