did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
