Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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