Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
