All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
