Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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