I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
you would pick up someone in the library
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
how drunk are you?
Several
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
