I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
