I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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