They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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