We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Everyone says I win the strip club
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
