you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
