I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
