He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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