Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
