everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
