eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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