If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
