Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
