Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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