allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
