I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
