DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
