if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
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Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
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This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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