The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
