I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
