Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
