Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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