I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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