I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
