Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
