My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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