I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
