I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
