Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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