walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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